


AYASHmGTON riLLORY, 



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X 



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WASHINGTON PILLORY. 



BY J. WKBB KOOERS. 



Satira prima. 



•THE STAR-KOUTE" OK. ''COXSTELLATION OF 
THE GOAT." 



I coiii-t the hatred of eg-regioLis fools, 
Exacthii? tyrants, and theh- petty tools— 
Of cuiinhi^ knaves who prev upon the masses. 
With pompous viUains and pretentious asses; 
Tlien read Avith scowls, ye unregenerate troupe , 
Behold .your master — to your masters stoop — 
Aye, stoop to nie ; and know each tiny thing", 
"There's a divinity doth hedge a King." 
King's crowned by N"ature—lionest— brave- 
sublime. 
The grandest monarchs on the shores of time ; 
March at my bidding — in the pillory rave, 
Tlien sink dishonored to a villain's grave ; 
Is'o prayer from woman, kindred, comrade, 

friend. 
To hover where your life and follies end. 
No sigh of pity to embalm your corse. 
Sink to your resting place Avith dog and horse ; 
Mingle yoiu- dust with these— your betters far, 
Unwatched, unvisited, by flower or star ; 
And up ! Your dastard soul to God's indignant 
bar ! 



DEDICATION, 



The book of satires from which the following 
is taken ; I dedicate to the 

Judiciary, 

IN 

JERE. BLACK 

AND 

ARTHUR McARTHUR. 



To the Senate, 

IN 

ROSCOE CONKLING 

AND 

ISIIAM G. HARRIS. 



To the House of Representatives, 

IN 

J. D. C. ATKINS 

AND 

JOSEPH BLACKBURN. 



To Parliament. 

IN 

WILLIAM E. GLADSTONE. 



To the Reichstag, 

IN 

WINDTHORST. 



Kings crowned by nature, honest, brave, sublime ! 
The grandest monarclis on the shores of time ! 



Behold yon statesman, wltli portentous stmt, 
His hat o'er forehead and protrudino- gut, 
Though Prhic.i of fools, and leadhig in the van, 
lie scarcely deigns to see a common man, 
But deems around him, every one a "snob,'' 
Except the villains privy to his ''job;" 
These clutch his arm,and win, in walking down 
Consideration from the pompous clown. 
Down the great avenue. a< grooai and bride, 
Tliey smile, and coo, and giggle, side by side, 
'I'ill some poor soldier, eager for a place, 
Hobbles before the villains, face to face. 
Demanding bread— recounting wliat all know, 
His sutterings in the hour of his country's woe. 
llow he, whose children now for mercy cry, 
Had slept, untented, 'neatli the wintry sky. 
And stood on duty tlirough the live-long night 
Watching the rampart— ready for the fight. 
Then sprang to battle— (for he then could spring) 
And made his shattered Limb love's offering 
To the clear land that gave his fathers birth. 
To liim the dearest, sweetest spot on earth. 
They thrust him b\% and keep their onward way; 
Alike unworthy of the Blue and Gray! 
TjoI a great Senator who hails from Maine, 
Waving ''the bloody shirt" o'er lieroes slain. 
<; barley and Tom* come simpering to his side, 
Saulsburj^t and Vaile— the Star Koute's hope 

and pride. 
Sherman, the banker, and financial curse. 
Amassing fortune with his country's purse ; 
Though now retired, as greedy still for gain. 
Afraid of Hampton, but the friend of Blaine. 
Cameron comes next— no longer ''O," but 

'^Don," 
'I'he Spanish title of himself and Son : 

* (Cousins of Blaine— on p of whom, having: a pious 
"Indian Bnrean," claimed $72.00n from the poor Osages, 
and the other urging Bhiine to "boost him." 

t Another cousin of Ulaine, "with whom," so says 
the National Republican, "the Premier had visions of 
the siderial pathway." 



Descended from Morellos, or a Bolivar, 
At any rate, "a Roland for an Oliver'" — 
"•0, bloodiest picture in the book of time'* I 
The widow fell— unwept — without a crime I 
Fell with poor Tilden, when Don Cameroii 

went 
'i'o Xew Oi'leans ; to forge a President I 
Quoth Charley: "'Senator, it takes a pile, 
To run a family like ours in style ; 
Think of a Slierman, Cameron, Ewing, Blaine, 
Drudging along, like common folks for gain ; 
Now you can help me — save a friend fi-om 

shame, 
And lend new lustre to the family name. 
That 'Indian Bureau' ran me for a while. 
And pious fools put up a jaunty pile ; 
Hut Freemaii's Journal blew upon the scheme, 
And all my money vanished like a dream. 
Yet see ! 1 taught th' Osages how to pray, 
And every dog, you know, must have his day. 
Now they have monej'^ — help me ''put it through^' 
And I'll divide the fee with Tom and you.'' 
Quoth Tom ; "Your speeches in the last cam- 
paign, 
W^ere wortliy of a ClaJ^ or Webster, Blaine ; 
Though bloody as my Kansas proclamation — 
The pride and glory of the nation — 
They thrilled all hearts — E'en Democrats re- 
joice, 
And hang, with rapture, on your fearless voice ; 
But serving now your friends as financier. 
You'll prove yourself a greater orator I 
The fact is, Blaine, we've bought some tele- 
phones, 

On^ half of which, my brother Charley owns, 
Can't pay the bill, and now rely on you 
To put the telephone and Charley through." 
Thus, recreant Democrat, could you proclaim^ 
At once your follies, and another's shame ; 



Thus liimibly you implored hi piteous toiu^s. 
Th' inveutor of those very telephones ; 
(Hig'li o-euius on his brow— for nature scores 
Her starlight there, as infamy on youi-s.) * * 
Implored him to e\]iibit iu Xew York, 
(Filling your purse,) his telephonic work; 
Promised one-third from all the stock you sold: 
But .•lunk away and pocketed tlie gold. 
Made up your ''secret pool,-' nor longer 

missed, 
Ambition's ladder Avhicli you lately kissed. 
But genius triumpiied — quick as lightning lUn\ 
To check j^our telephone; and check-mate you.* 
Your Kansas proclamation ! blush for shame I 
Poor children there still tremble at your name. 
Cling to their mothers at the horrid sound. 
And shriek, with blood still crying from the 

ground. 
The South regrets— the gallant N"orth dei)lores 
That such a tyrant dwelt upon our shores — 
'•Rebel" or "Union man" — what e'er then- 
names 
Each vale in ashes— every hill proclaims 
Ewing more infamous than Jesse James, 
One, girt with armies, played a robbers part, 
Th' other with a rifle and a dauntless heart ; 
Tho' robber, far above your track of slime. 
Protected womanhood, and age sublime ! 
Avenging, with a single arm, your crime. 
And carved his name above you, on tlie clifls 

of Time. 
In old Virginia, too, you tried your hand. 
On a great railroad to redeem the land 
Stumping with Blaine, where Washington and 

Lee, 
Led up the columns of the br ave and free. 

~*"Ou twitted by Wall street, he secured letters patent 
for a "Central office," which debarred his enemies from 
using, except on "■private lines,'" the patents which he 
had sold them, as adapted to such, calling for nothing 
more ; but had they dealt fairly he would have wrought 
out this "Central system" for them. 



6 

Obsequious to their sons you proini<0(l them 

To (lot the hind witli man}" :i vilhio-e g'eni. 

And crown Virginia, with a glorious diadem I 

You toolv their money — gave them stock for pay 

Bearmg their curses to your latest day. 

One word, your coffin — down into it squeeze ; . 

•' XUMORUMEXPALPOXIDES 1 '** 

Pardon digression, for Madusa tai<es 

A wandering patli, among ten thousand snakes. 

"To tell the truth,"' said Blaine, ''tliat telegram 

I got away with, gave us all a slam ; 

And since the bribery case in Maine, 

It's hard to get U])on my feet again ; 

But hold ! Let's see— a Bourbon Democrat 

The chairman, Charley, I'm afraid of that. 

By Jove, we'll try it ;" which, in fact he did. 

And got the appropriation for his kid.f 

Down the great Avenue they move along. 

In i)o\verand money — influcmce — family strong, 

() ! Wondrous family I Standing all alone, 

But keen to speculate from zone to zone 

\n "guano," "Star routes*' or the ''telephone.*' 

The "plumed knight" consoles them for their 

losses. 
And bids them follow close behind the 

Dorseys — 
To mark young Belmont as an honest man. 
Daring to thwart a Premier in his pLm ; 
For Blaine Ivid power to parrj' ever\" blow, 
Till Garlield fell, when flying from the foe,| 

* A word uspd by Plaiitus contemptnously, to desig- 
nate a flatterer, who sues and flatters to obtain money. 

t Qiiin decidi^SHt haedus in puteum inscius, 
EtriUiore clauderetur marline, 
Devenit Hircus sitiens in eumdem locum: 
J lie f random moliens : 

l)e;;cende, amice ; tanta bonitas est aqujE, 
Voluptas ut satiari uon possit mea. 
/ X Immissit se barbaius Turn Haedulea 

Kvasitputeo, nixa celsis cornibus, 
Hirciimque ciauso 1 iquit hierentem vado. 

X Ran at the first shot but returned to his murdered 
friend. WI13' did he not strike the viUian down at the 
first shot? 



He linked his uamt? forever witii Giiiteaii. 
But let tluit pass for lie was then the phiiiie 
Of speculation on a glorious boom ; 
Such as his fathers knew when risiii"; up, 
From poverty, to taste ambition's cup. — 
Great Ewini? from an honest laborer's hut* 
Shermans,! shoemakers, from Connecticut 
See old Techumsie marching; bold and free 
As once he marched 'gainst women to the sea I 
Sisters to her wlioni fortune made his own. 
That generous soul — the sweetest flower bio wji 
Though laid to wither on his heart of stone! 
Little he cares for guano Tom or Bhiine, 
Bird-lime or other dung across the main ; 
But dreams of Red Cloud on the Western Plain! 
With diamond necklace on — by Kliedive given — 
"Big Injun" dreams of buftalo in Heaven. 
Great tields of gold — his battles for the miner,] 
And liow the women shrieked in Carolina; 
For "war means cruelty. §"" the chieftain said. 
Shaking the bloody feathers of his head — 
"Papoosa's blood and Carolina's screams, 
Are coon and "possum, to an Injun's dreams."" 
Oh fallen heraldry ! Xo longer now 
Crispin's brave head above his last may bow ; 
Nor ''honest Tom," delight in daily toil 
Where Old Kanawha's brinj^ waters boil ; 
H one must bow, he bows his head for shame. 
Both shuddering at the mockery of a name ; 
Xor all the salt of evxny land and sea 
Could consecrate and save their progeny, 

* Hon. Thomas Ewinjc, Sr., from the position of a 
day laborer in thp Kanawha Sair Works, rose to gieat 
eminence, as a politician and lawyer. 

t When Roger Sherman \va<5once speaking:, .Tohn Ran- 
dolph cried out in his shrill tones, "What has become of 
the gentleman's leather apron ?" To which Shennai! 
quickly replied, "Cut up long ago to make moccasins for 
The descendants of Pocahuuias." 

X To protect the theiving miners in the Black Hills 
was a pretext for increasing the ;triny 

i? General Shentian'g curt defense when, accused of 
burning quiet homes in Carolina. 



Sliades of departcfl honor ! Pause upon j'^oiir 

wings 
And gaze a moment on tliese little things ; 
Behold your ''plumed knight" above the rest, 
Dreaming of dunghills, where the sea birds 

nest. 
Plume of your family I And o'er it rising, 
Partly to sheild, but more for advertising ! 
Poor Mrs. Partington I She wondered why 
God should liave made the goat's tail stick so 

high ? 
Since it reveals to folks on every side. 
The very spot, ala* ! 'twas meant to hide ! I 




XoTE. — General Thomas Ewing's monstrous 
order Xo. 11 ; under which three counties 
were depopulated in Missouri, was embodied 
l)y General Bingliam, a gallant Union officer^ in 
a i)ainting— afterwards lithographed, which 
continues to thrill all generous and brave 
liearts — inspiring contempt and hatred for a 
monster ; with pity for sufl'ering innocence ; 
bl(3eding on the ground ; or flying to the wil- 
derness from burning homes. 

Tliese counties bred the avenging Jameses 
and Youngers — legitimate oftspringof Ewing-a 
barbarity ! 



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